So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
