Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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