She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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