How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize