Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
