Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
