i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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