Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
