Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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