She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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