we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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