im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
