i think i have two assholes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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