i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
