that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
