OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
