I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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