Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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