at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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