Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
