New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize