Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
