He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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