we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
