My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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