Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
