This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
