A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
