I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I met the friendliest cop last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
