They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
