I faked an abortion last night.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize