I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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