My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize