You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize