i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
