who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize