Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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