I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
