Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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