the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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