I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
is it fun? or sober?
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