Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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