yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
return my video game
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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