why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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