There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
