When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
