Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
