I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
