somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
