this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
