Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
