I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
