dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
