I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
