What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
