I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
